I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
