Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
