dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
