she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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