I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
