idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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