Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
