I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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