My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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