Apparently you make a good broom.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
