he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
