What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
