I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
