Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
