just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
