I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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