Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
