I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
