my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
