CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
