My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
