We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
