just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
