You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
