ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
