Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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