You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
