I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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