i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
