I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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