I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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