I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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