You smell like a Billy Joel song
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
