i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
