i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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