i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
