I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
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