mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
