Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
