Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
