Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
