I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to make out with him forever
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
