I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
