he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize