im about as happy as oj after his trial
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
sex in a hospital.. check
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
