And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
