I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
