dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
