am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
