I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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