I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
