I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
