my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
