I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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