My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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