I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
