i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
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Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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