Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
