No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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