Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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